Thinking Strange Thoughts - Extra Body Parts

When I was young, my mother was obsessed with the back of my ears. Every time I left the house she would say ‘ I hope you have washed behind your ear’s my boy’. It did not matter if the rest of me was in complete disarray as long as the rear of my ears was in pristine condition. Recently, by carefully positioning several mirrors, I was able for the first time to actually see behind my ears ,and to be honest there’s not a lot going on, certainly nothing that warrants a special cleaning .

Anyway that’s not important, although it does have some relevance to this months ‘thoughts’. It started the other night when I was watching TV, I had a sandwich in one hand, and a cup of coffee in the other hand and I wanted to change channels, I realized this is pretty much impossible unless you put the remote in your mouth and change channels with your nose. Now obviously to do this successfully you need a very long ,pointy nose like an anteater and unfortunately I do not have one of those, but great things can be done nowadays with plastic surgery and I think a half metre long ,pointy nose would be a tremendous asset. Imagine on a cold day, you could walk up to someone’s front door and push their doorbell with your pointy nose and keep your hand’s warm in your pocket’s. Of course if you attempt this great care must be taken, when I was a young lad in England, one freezing morning, I walked up to my friends front door with my hands in my pockets, I pushed his brass door bell with my nose and froze to it, I had to stay there until the weather warmed up and it was very embarrassing.

Anyway the point I’m making here is that the body is very badly designed. Now whether you believe the bible or think we just ended up this way, I think you would agree that there is room for a lot of improvement. We have already discussed the pointy nose but what about if we had three hands, that way, even if you were holding a drink and a sandwich you would still have a hand free to change channels or if you just wanted to scratch your pointy nose. I always remember when I was a kid I would ask my mom where something was, and she would say ‘ I don’t know, I haven’t got eyes in the back of my head’ Well that’s the point, why haven’t we got eyes in the back of our head, surely it makes a lot of sense, even one eye would help a lot, of course for me it be fine but those trendy people who have hair, would probably need a parting on the back of their head to stop the hair getting in their eye. If the extra eye proved too difficult, perhaps a rotating head would work better , the young girl in ;”The Exorcist’ had one of those and it seemed to work just fine . Sometimes I’m reading the paper and my wife will walk up behind me and say ‘how do you like this dress’ and I will say ‘its great; and she will catch me out by saying ‘what colour is it then‘, and then I’m in trouble’ but with the rotating head I just spin it at great speed, say ‘pink with green spots on’ I’m back reading the paper in about half a second and I’m still in the good books with my wife. Eyes that can see in the dark, extendable legs incase your standing behind a tall person at the football, a detachable nose so that you can unclip it and run it under the tap when it gets a bit blocked and a spare head in a different colour just in case you fancy a bit of a change. These are just some of the improvements that I would like to see ,but obviously for now we will have to make do with what we have.

Stephen Ainley...a man of many parts...few of them in working order.


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