Thinking Strange Thoughts - Fish

Beep, Beep, Beep, Bleeding Beep.

Yes its another normal day at Dunsborough Lakes, listening to the constant Beep, Beeps and watching a bulldozer push a mountain of soil around and around the golf course. Beep, Beep, a lesser man would probably have gone mad by now, but fortunately I have been very busy with the publication of my first novel, not as you might imagine, a collection of strange thoughts but instead a serious historical novel about the Great Irish Potato Famine of the 1840’s entitled “What, No Potatoes”. It’s a damn fine read, full of fascinating insights and for those of you that find yourselves involved in a potato famine, at the back of the book there are some terrific recipes that do not involve potato’s, such as a cheese and onion sandwich. It is available at all quality greengrocer’s from next week. Anyway that’s enough advertising.

To take my mind off the Beep, Beeps, I have just been reading a book about natural health remedies and whilst some of the articles made sense, some were definitely on the silly side. I mean I am prepared to believe the latest study by doctors which has found honey to be a strong antibiotic. This could well be true because how often do you see a bee with a runny nose or a sore throat, but the article about fish was just ludicrous. This article was suggesting that we should all eat more fish as it is good for the brain, basically it was saying eat a couple of portions of halibut and chips a week and you will be more intelligent. Well, call me a big gorgeous thing if you must but I fail to see the logic in this. I mean if it were true that fish make you more intelligent, then surely a fish, which I presume is made up almost entirely of fish, would be the most intelligent thing in the universe, and yet in reality a fish as an IQ similar to the average tree stump.

I think I can give you an example of what I mean.

I leave my house, I stroll down Dunsborough Lakes Drive, I try to ignore the Beep, Beeps, it is a beautiful sunny day, I sing a song to myself, something from the new Max Bygraves Tribute to Ozzy Osborne CD. Everything is fine, when all of a sudden a long piece of string appears out of the sky, on the end of it is a hook and attached to the hook is a can of lager, it comes to rest just in front of my face. What is my reaction? Immediately I sense a trap, I sum up the situation, I listen to the can, then I smell it. I try gently poking it with a stick. Only when I am certain that everything is safe do I carefully remove it from the hook. Using a long piece of twine I pull back the ring pull, very slowly incase of booby traps, only after all this will I take a sip, just a small sip first to check for poisons, then finally gulp it down.

Now, let us see what a so-called intelligent fish would do in similar circumstances. He’s floating along, it’s a beautiful day, he’s singing a song, maybe something by Bob Marlin and the Whalers, when suddenly a piece of string appears with a hook on it and a worm attached, what does this genius do, I’ll tell you what he does, a bleeding great kamikaze job straight on to the hook.

I think you can see my line of thinking here. The point is, if you are a bit thick to begin with, you could eat a whale a day and it would not turn you into a brain surgeon or even a brain sturgeon.

Anyway, the Beep, Beeps are off again, where’s those earplugs.

Reporting from the frontline Stephen Ainley


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