Thinking Strange Thoughts - Getting Older, The Humiliation
One day, many years ago, my Great Uncle Albert was walking down the street when he was viciously assaulted be a rogue parrot that happened to be flying past. The parrot landed on Albert’s head and launched a savage attack, he could well have been pecked to death had not been for the brave intervention of a lady who lived nearby. She struck the parrot with her brolly several times until eventually it flew off in a shower of feathers. Unfortunately, probably due to the trauma of the bird attack, combined with the blows to the head from the brolly, Albert was never the same again. Prior to the attack, he had been a charming, outgoing person but afterwards he rarely ventured outside, he would occasionally glance through the window but duck down if a bird flew too close, eventually, he joined a strange religious cult who believed that cheese was sacred and would often quote from their manifesto “To Brie or Not to Brie”
Anyway, the only reason I mention this, is because I was thinking about cheese the other day, in fact I was thinking about all sorts of food, due to the fact that I was fasting for 24 hours. Now, I know some people would have no trouble doing this, but despite me having the slender physique of a young gazelle, I find it difficult to go more than a couple of hours without something to eat. After six hours I was starting to have hallucinations about bacon sandwiches and after twelve hours I was starting to imagine O’Malley our Irish Terrier, with some veggies and gravy. The reason I was fasting was because I was having a colonoscopy. I was not sure what this was but my doctor explained that a camera would be inserted into my posterior and other doctors would have a look around on a television screen, I forgot to ask him if there was any special reason for them doing this or there was just nothing much else on the telly that day, anyway the main thing is everything turned out well.
Of course, once you get to a certain age, you get used to this sort of thing, you learn to take it in your stride, various things being inserted into various orifices, checking prostates etcetera. Its just one more humiliation alongside nasal hair and incontinence pants, not that I suffer from incontinence but you can bet your life on it, if there was any going around I’d catch it. My wife also does not suffer from incontinence but that did not stop me buying her some incontinence pants for Valentines Day, I noticed them for sale in the new incontinence shop “Surprize Peez” and I can never resist a bargain.
One of the many ironies of getting older, is that a lot of people sell their house and buy something smaller, when actually they need something bigger for all the stuff they start collecting, its not just the nasal hair remover, incontinence pants, Zimmer frame, that sort of stuff, but also hundreds of packets of tablets and ointments. Also at exactly the same time you are collecting all of this stuff, your memory starts getting worse, so you can never recall where you put any of it. Actually, this works out quite well because doctors are always telling you how important exercise is, and you get plenty by wandering around all day trying to find stuff.
The worst thing for me is glasses, I seem to spend most of my life looking for them. Until a few years ago, I had great eyesight, then I found I needed reading glasses, still I was proud of the fact that over a long distance my eyes were excellent. I could see something a kilometre away, no trouble but when I walked towards it, I would trip over something right in front of me. Of course this was too good to last and now I have two pairs of glasses to lose. One pair for reading but if I need to see any further, I have to remove them and put the other pair on. The other day I was reading a book and glancing up at something on the telly at the same time. I changed my glasses so many times that I got dizzy and nearly fainted. I suppose next thing I will have to get one of those little bits of cord that you attach to your glasses and you wear them around your neck, mind you that can be bad as well, there’s nothing worse than when your searching for your glasses and someone points out that they are around your neck.
Stephen Ainley...older but no wiser.