Thinking Strange Thoughts - If There's One Thing That Annoys Me

If there’s one thing that annoys me. Well actually there’s a lot of things that annoy me, including people who say “if there’s one thing that annoys me” but we have not got time for that now.

If there’s one thing that annoys me, its when you’ve had a bad back for years and someone says to you “Oh you must do Pilates, it's absolutely wonderful, a few weeks of Pilates and you’ll be leaping about like a young gazelle.”

Well firstly I did not have a clue what a Pilates was, I assumed that it was an old Roman Emperor, but no, evidently its some new wonder exercise, so I invest huge amounts of money on a Pilates DVD and what do I find. Two young athletic model types contorting themselves all over the place, there were people there who could lie face down on their stomachs and bend their heads back until it touched their feet.

Let me tell you something about myself. If I do thirty minutes of warm-up exercises first, I may nearly be able to touch my knees, most mornings my wife has to put my socks on for me, this is bad because she doesn’t like wearing my socks(that was a little joke)Anyway, the point is, the people they use as models are all young athletes who probably leap out of bed in the morning, without a ache or pain between them. It’s the same with adverts on television for Anti-Wrinkle Cream, they always use an 18 year old super model to test it out. When you look at the before and after pictures there’s no difference. Why would there be?, she’s only 18, she’s never had a wrinkle. Even Kerry Packer had perfect skin at that age. Why not use an overweight, middle-aged person with a face like a Pit-bull Terrier to test it out. Then if it worked I’d be impressed, in fact I’d buy a bucketful for myself.

Anyway, I got sidetracked there, but returning to my back, someone else suggested a Exercise Ball, if you have not seen one of these, they look like a big balloon, only you can sit on them. Unfortunately I fell off mine and re injured my back.

Next up was a visit to the docs, I’ve been so often that I have my own seat there, I am not expecting much, but wait!, some new tablets have arrived with glowing reports. They are actually for epileptics, but evidently they help with back pain. It’s just a pity I’m not an epileptic as well, then I’d really be getting value for money.

Now, no offence to doctors, but I always like to check new tablets out on the internet, just incase there’s some side effect I should know about. In this case I wish I had not bothered.

The first thing it said was, clumsiness, leading to accidental injures, now this did not concern me too much, because clumsiness leading to accidental injures is an everyday occurrence for me anyway. I was a bit bothered by swelling of the lips, hands and feet, and then I noticed diarrhoea. I immediately instructed my wife to keep the nearest toilet available at all times, but was then thrown into complete confusion, when I noticed that the next side effect said constipation. I did not know what to do for a while, but eventually I moved my chair halfway between the toilet and a bowl of All-Bran.

The list goes on and on, sleepiness, tiredness, listlessness, drowsiness, I think it’s trying to tell me something but I’m too tired to work out what.

Anyway, I’ve been on the tablets now for three days, and I have not had one accident, my lips, hands and feet have not got bigger, and you will be especially pleased to know, that my bowels are in perfect working order. So it just goes to show, you should not believe everything you read on the internet…. Mind you, I have been asleep for the last three days.

Stephen Ainley....if he was a horse you'd shoot him.


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