Thinking Strange Thoughts - Keeping The Romance Alive

After a recent article in which I offered some advice on a happy marriage, I was inundated with letters from people asking me for further help. One chap wrote “you seem very wise and handsome”, well he did not actually write that but I’m sure he would have done had he had more room on his paper, anyway he told me that he had been happily married for thirty seven years, but reading between the lines I guessed he was having problems. That’s probably because he wrote between the lines on the paper that he was having problems. Basically he asked me “how do I keep the romance alive”. Well I hope I was able to reassure him with a few bits of advice from the “maestro” .

The point is, after being married for many years things can get a bit predicable, so it’s very important to surprise your wife every now and again. I always remember my Uncle George taking his wife Gladys on a surprise holiday to New Zealand and then giving her a Bungy Jumping voucher, Gladys was amazed, but credit where it is due, she did not bat an eyelid, even though she had to pay a surcharge before they would attach her Zimmer frame to the harness, evidently not many ninety year olds go Bungy Jumping, there was a slight problem when she jumped off the platform, her dentures shot out and were never seen again, but this sort of unusual surprise can really put a spark into a marriage

You do not have to wait for a special occasion to do something, I myself recently bought my wife a pair of incontinence pants from the op-shop, as I told her “you're not getting any younger, you're bound to need them one day” but then I’ve always been a. bit of an old romantic. Nowadays I do not drink much but when we were first married I liked a drink as much as the next man, especially if the next man liked a lot to drink. Anyway, one night I met a few mates for a drink or two after promising my wife that I would be home by 8 o’clock. As I staggered home after midnight, I thought to myself that some flowers would be a nice touch, but where to get them at this time of night. Luckily as I wandered through the cemetery near our house, I was amazed to see a bunch just lying there in the moonlight. Well they definitely did the trick, mind you there was a tense moment at breakfast, when my wife noticed a card amongst the flowers saying “Mavis, not dead just sleeping”, it took me all morning to convince her that the florist was dyslexic.

Another very good piece of advice is to try and maintain some mystery in the marriage, of course Uncle George said there was a bit too much mystery in his marriage, he told me in all the years they had been married he had never seen Gladys naked below the neck. Funnily enough, the day after he told me this I accidentally walked in on Aunt Gladys as she stepped naked from the shower, it was not a pretty sight and I made a mental note to tell Uncle George that it would be wise to stick to the above the neck thing.

Incidentally, I have recently been having a strange recurring dream. There is a knock on the front door and when I open it, all of the Spice Girls are standing there, they all look really well except Sporty Spice does not look quite as Sporty anymore. Anyway they tell me they are doing a world reunion tour and would like me to join the band. Well, flattered though I was, I felt duty bound to point out that I could not sing or dance, but they explained that neither could they and it had not hindered them. I could not argue with that and they said that as long as I looked good in an extremely low cut leather outfit, I would be in the band as “Old Spice”. Unfortunately, at that point I woke up, so we will never know how I would have looked, though I should imagine, pretty damn attractive.

Stephen Ainley...marriage advice a specialty


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