Thinking Strange Thoughts - Nasal Hair Remover
A few weeks ago, I received a rather moving letter from one of my more senior fans. He explained, how he was considering buying a nasal hair remover, but he was reluctant to splash out the $20 cost in case they did not work, he asked for my opinion. Now my first thought was that I could not be of much assistance, to be honest I’m not really into all this new technology, I’ve only just got my first telephone, and I only bought that because Rupert my old carrier pigeon accidentally flew into a helicopter. It was sad, but probably for the best, I know Western Power for one , were getting a bit annoyed with having to open the window every time Rupert tapped on it with a message from me. Anyway ,as I was saying, I did not think I could help, personally, when my nasal hair gets below my top lip, I borrow my wife’s cooking tongues. A quick yank, a tear to the eye, and the jobs done. But, then I got to thinking, this was not the first request I had received for information on aids to the elderly. Lets face it, who can you trust out there to tell you the truth about these things. I soon realized, I was the only man for the job. So this month I have chosen a couple of items, to put to the test.
First up, I decided to have a look at hearing aids. Now, my hearing is pretty spot on for my needs. If I sit about a metre from the telly , with the volume turned full on, I can hear fine, but if my wife asks me to finish a job that I started about fourteen years ago, I cannot quite make out what she is saying. This is perfect, and what you should be looking for in a hearing aid. The last one that I actually saw, was my Gran's many years ago , she had a large ear trumpet, which she used to carry around her neck on a piece of rope. She would also use it to hit my Granddad on the head with , when he was not paying attention. Now, if you shouted loudly enough down the end of it, it seemed to work just fine, so you can imagine my amazement when I tested the latest model. It was so small that I needed a magnifying glass to find the on / off switch and when I placed in my ear, it disappeared and was lost for several days. Eventually I had to get my wife to punch me in the side of the head (which she gladly did, incidentally )and it shot out of my ear. Now, I would be very wary of this, I can really only give it 2 out of 10. My advice would be, unless you have ears any smaller than a hamster’s, stick with the ear trumpet.
A few days later came the big moment, I got to test drive the new “Kambrooke, 15 horse power, super high performance, Nasal Hair Remover”, and I’ve got to tell, I give it an immediate 8 out of 10. If you are looking for the new, smooth aerodynamic look, and the inside of your nostrils looks a bit like the Amazon jungle, then this is definitely the tool for you. Visually, it is going to be hard to beat. Early nasal hair removers were pretty shabby looking, not the sort of thing you would have on display, in fact you would probably find them hidden away in a chaps sock drawer, next to his Surgical Truss & Varicose Vein Support Stockings. But, this new tool is a beauty, its sleek stainless steel design looks superb and any sophisticated, modern man would be quite happy to place it next to his mobile phone at a restaurant table, just in case he needed a quick nasal clean up between courses.
Incidentally, a word of warning, they do not call this, The Nasal Whipper Snipper without reason, safety glasses should always be worn, because hair flies out in all directions. Remember this is a tool for professionals, its powerful motor means it requires at least two hands to guide it into the nostril, anyone with arthritis of the wrist, could very easily take an eye out. Another great bonus with this machine, is that you can also use it on hairy ears, but do not forget to first remove your little hearing aid, otherwise, like me you will be finding small pieces of it on your pillow for several weeks.
Next month I will be at Bunbury Raceway, testing out the latest in Electric Zimmer Frames.
Stephen Ainley...on the cutting edge of superfluous hair removal