Thinking Strange Thoughts - Reincarnation and Other Stuff

Great Uncle Cyril was a huge believer in reincarnation. I distinctly recall that just before he died, he had told me that he would love to be a fish in his next life. He reckoned it would be a great, just swimming around without a care in the world. This conversation suddenly came back to me the other night as I was about to stick my fork into a large piece of hake. As I glanced down at my dinner, I couldn't help noticing that it looked vaguely familiar, no, surely not, but there was definitely something about that battered looking head. This got me thinking, Uncle Cyril had not been much of a swimmer, and lets face it the chap on my plate could not have been the Ian Thorpe of the hake world, otherwise he would not now be perched on top of some chips balancing a slice of lemon on his head. Then I was stunned to realize something else. In 1973 Uncle Cyril had been playing golf ,when he had been hit by a bolt of lightening, it had completely severed his right ear. Amazingly it had shot 250 metres down the fairway and rolled straight in to the hole on the twelfth green, this was his one and only hole in one, of course he had had great difficulty hearing the congratulations. Anyway as I had studied the hake, I noticed, it to had no right ear, it also had no left ear but obviously this could have occurred during the cooking process. I’m no expert on this reincarnation business, who knows if it was him or not, all I can say is, if that was you Uncle Cyril, you had gone a bit dry over the years.

From what I understand about reincarnation, everything ends up evening itself out, for example, if you have a terrible life, then your next life will be wonderful, alternatively, if this life is perfect in every way, then in your next life you will probably be a Leeds supporter.

Nowadays people are very concerned about staying fit and healthy so that they will live to a very old age. People probably assume that I spend a lot of time keeping fit myself, but in fact nothing could be further from the truth, I just happen to have good genes, I also have a good shirt and I always say “there’s no point in having good genes if your going to have a bad shirt”. Personally I’ve never seen the point in all this exercise business, I can see no point in dying an healthy person, if you have to die then you may as well do it as an unhealthy person and enjoy yourself. I think it was Alexandra Solschenizyn who once said “show me a overweight, lazy person holding a can of lager and a meat pie and I’ll show you an happy person” although it could have been Homer Simpson, I always get those two mixed up.
A lot of people get obsessed with their looks as they get older, but lets face it “beauty is only skin deep” mind you, what more do you need, there’s no point in having an attractive gall bladder.

Incidentally, when you ask young children what it is they’d like to do when they grow up, they will invariably say something like, a fireman, or a nurse. I’ve noticed that it’s very rare anyone will say “I wish to be an undertaker” I wonder at what stage of a persons life they suddenly say “Undertakings the life for me, it’s a thriving business, the hours are good, you meet interesting people and bury them.”

Most undertakers seem to be men, but many years ago I actually went out with a female undertaker, I had to end it though as I suspected that she was only after my body.

Stephen Ainley….reincarnated as an idiot.


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