Thinking Strange Thoughts - Superman

I think it was the great French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre, who once said, “You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em”, although it could have been Kenny Rodgers, I always get those two mixed up. Anyway none of that’s important now, because this month I wish to discuss the Man Of Steel himself, Superman.

Now I don’t know about you, but to me there are some things about Superman that just do not add up. I think the main problem I have is this entire situation with Lois Lane. She works very closely with Clark Kent, she’s with him nearly every day and yet he has only to take off his glasses and put on his cape and tights and she fails to notice any resemblance to the man she works with every day and Superman. Not only that, but she seems to think that Clark Kent is a bit of a nerd and yet he has only to remove his glasses and all of a sudden he becomes God’s gift to women. I can only conclude that it has something to do with the tights. I mean if Ronnie Corbett stopped wearing his glasses, I do not think he would suddenly become irresistible to women, mind I think even the tights would not help there.

Another thing that’s hard to believe, is the change of outfit part. We are expected to believe that Clark Kent, just strolls into a phone booth, changes outfits and emerges as Superman. Now who is he trying to kid, have you ever tried to put on a pair of tights in a phone box? Well no, nor have I, but I should imagine it’s pretty damn difficult. Also , what does he do with his discarded clothes? Surely he does not just leave them in the phone box until he returns. I only left a pen in a phone box for about ten minutes and someone pinched it, so what chance would a business suit, a trilby, a briefcase and a pair of glasses have?.

I do not know how Superman would manage nowadays, most of the phone boxes in the city seem to have been replaced by just a phone inside a little cover you can hardly get your head under. Not much privacy there when Superman drops his pants. He’d find himself arrested for indecent exposure faster than you can say “is that some Kryptonite in your pocket or are you just glad to see me”.

Someone else who has always intrigued me, is the famous Israeli psychic, Uri Geller, who claims to have the ability to bend cutlery and stop clocks. I always think it must have been a huge disappointment to him when he discovered that he possessed these abilities, I mean if you are going to have Psychic Powers, it would be nice to be able to turn water into lager or foresee the lotto numbers. I mean what possible use is it to be able to bend a spoon?. How many times have you read in the Situations Vacant “Mature gentleman wanted to bend my cutlery ,previous clock stopping experience an advantage” I mean I have only read it twice and I study the Sits/ Vac column every day just on the off chance that the highly valued Jason Recliner Testing position becomes available again, I’ve had my name down now for 16 years.

The point is, cutlery bending is of no use to anyone, let’s face it , it ‘s hard enough to eat soup at the best of times, without having your spoon suddenly doing a u-turn..

Stephen Ainley wearing the glasses but not the tights.


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