Thinking Strange Thoughts - The Extreme Makeover

You will probably be a bit surprised by what I am about to write about this month, because a lot of people have said I have the perfect body. Well, maybe not a lot of people, but a blind woman at a party once said it, mind you she’d had a lot to drink. Anyway, I have been watching that American show on TV, I think it‘s called “Extreme Makeover’s“. you know the one, where cosmetic surgeons takes a person who thinks they are ugly and turns them into another ugly person who looks nothing like the original ugly person. Well after watching a few of these shows, even I have become dissatisfied with my looks. I have now decided on an “Extreme Makeover”, I have already made a list of some of the work I want done, so here is a bit of a preview.

Firstly, I’d like the hair of Donald Trump, mainly for safety reasons, evidently Donald was in New Orleans when Cyclone Katrina struck and even though cars and buildings were flying in all directions, not a hair on Donald’s head moved, this would be just the thing for a windy Tasmanian day. Now obviously, anyone would want Rolf Harris’s beard, it just make’s people feel at ease, it’s always been there and it’s always been the same length. Rolf was born with that beard and even though I’ve read that hair continues growing after death, I’m willing to have a small wager that once Rolf goes, if someone opens his coffin in 500 years, there will just be a pile of ashes there with Rolf’s beard sitting on top exactly the same length as it has always been..

There are many people with attractive ears, but personally I would go for Dumbo the Elephants. Now, my hearing is not the best and yet my wife insists upon whispering to me from the other end of the house. With Dumbo’s ears, she could be two kilometres away, say something derogatory about me and I could stick my head out of the window and say “I heard that”

Next up I would have a “bionic eye’, you know similar to the one “The Six Million Dollar Man” had, and then a pointy bit grafted on to the end of my forefinger, these would be purely so I could use my new phone. For many years I have had the same phone, it was a great big one, with great big numbers on it’s great big buttons, it was so big that it was impossible to lose. Unfortunately I accidentally broke it the other night, it happened when someone from somewhere in Asia, rang me for about the fifteenth time that evening to inquire if I was happy with my phone, “Not any more I’m not” I said as I threw my phone out of the window. Anyway, they literally do not make phones like they used to, the one I eventually purchased, is so small I spend most of the day searching for it, I’ve had to buy another phone so that I can call the first phone to see where it is , the only trouble is , I keep losing the second phone as well, I may have to buy another one to find that one. Eventually when I do find the phone, I need a magnifying glass to see the numbers, I don’t know why I bother because the buttons are so close together that anyone with a finger thicker than a pencil is in trouble. What’s going on here? TV’s are getting so large that you need a forklift to get them into your lounge, and yet you need a microscope and some tweezers to operate the remote control.

Anyway, where was I ?, oh yes, I was very impressed with the right leg that Mel Gibson used in Braveheart, it certainly looked good in a kilt, on the other hand I was very disappointed with his left leg, so I would probably go for an Angelina Jolie, she has a tremendous left leg. Well, that would be about it, and when the doctors had finished I would get them to surgically attach Rupert Murdoch’s wallet on to me, I should imagine I would be considered quite a catch.

Stephen Ainley…….still in his original packaging.


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